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The Black Empress Monday (Bored) Two hundred years ago Kary Van Dere conquered the continent and forged an Empire with fire and steel. A hundred and fifty years ago she succeeded in stamping out the last few pockets of resistance to her rule with and iron fist and a gassy bum. And for the past hundred and fifty years, I Chancellor Davis af Alfonta have been running Kary's empire for her. (Her being too damn lazy to do much but sleep and torment her servants all day.) This week began like any other week. I woke up, got my papers in order and attended council meetings in place of the Empress for most of the morning. This day in particular however was quite special to me. Once a year the common folk were allowed into the Imperial palace where they could make requests directly to the Empress herself. Fortunately she's never actually shown up to one of these things and I've had the pleasure of running the event in her absence gaining much prestige and goodwill of the people. (I'm pretty sure she doesn't even know this day is a thing.) Actually, the Empress hadn't had much of an interest in politics after she was done conquering the continent. In fact a vast majority of the conquered territories were pretty much independent in all but name. I let the damn nobility run their fiefs the way they want as long as they payed tribute to the Imperial government. As I prepared myself for this years 'Day of the People' I found myself interrupted by a servant girl quietly poking me in an attempt to get my attention. "Yes? What is it?" I said, mildly annoyed at the impudence of the girl. That was until I recognized her uniform, she was one of the servants that made up the personal staff of the Empress. The cooked for her, cleaned for her and generally did whatever she wanted. (Which is why I've had to change the staff every month. I don't know what she does up there but I've had far to many servants with PTSD wandering down to the lower levels and disrupting day to day life.) "Th-the Emp-empress wishes to see you my lord." She says, handing me a letter. "Very well, I'll see her in a few hours. For now I have t-" "N-no, my lord. She says she wants to see you right now." She shuffles around, obviously wracked with anxiety "Sh-she said that the letter would explain." I open the letter and am greeted by five words. "GET YOUR BUTT UP HERE" I sigh and inform one of the guardsmen that I may be a little late for this years event. Then I order the little servant girl to lead me to her master and my boss, Kary Van (Fucking) Dere. Up and up we went. Hundreds of floors zooming past us as we shot into the sky on a magical undead dragon of death. (Yeah we use magical undead dragons of death to get up to the higher floors. It's a bit intimidating at first but you get used to it. You'll never get used to the smell though.) Finally the dragon stopped, right at the Empresses balcony. I gave the servant girl a tip and hopped off, entering the Empresses bedroom. I nearly buckled over from the stench the moment I entered. A god awful smell seemed to emanate from almost everything in the room. I could almost see visible stink lines coming from the bed! Somehow I managed to fight my way through the wall of stink so thick you could cut it and walked up to the bed. "Empress?" I ask, hoping maybe she had fallen asleep and forgotten about me. No such luck. "Davis? Is that you?" She said as she slowly rose up from her bed. (No. It's not. Go back to bed please.) I almost reeled back with utter shock, only with my years of intense training as a diplomat and a councilor was I able to maintain my calm composure. Her hair was a mess, she had bags under her eyes and she reeked of farts and sweat. I could scarcely believe that the elf in front of me was the Empress of the most powerful Empire in the history of the world. "Yes. It's me. Your chancellor. Davis." I said. "Oh good. I've been wanting to talk to- Ugh...hold on." She says, rubbing her stomach. "Ahh, sorry about this Davis but last nights dinner didn't exactly agree with me...so..." She grunts and *pppppppptttttffffFFRRrrrrRrrrrAaaaaaBbbBbbBBbBbbbBbbBfbfBbfbfbbbbbttttttttt!!* lets out a painfully long and beefy fart. (I had almost forgotten that she could do that.) I gag, (Thankfully quietly) and take a step back. "Woo! That was a good one! What do you think Davis?" She asks me, fanning the gas towards me. "Fine. Good. Yes." I say to her. "Want another one?" She asks and grunts before I can respond *Flaaaapppppppppppoooooofffppppptptttt!!* She watches me carefully as I do my best not to let the worst thing I've ever smelt in my life effect me to much, and I can feel her eyes boring into me, watching me for any sign of discomfort. Eventually she stops looking at me and grabs a mirror. "Huh...I look awful." She turns and shouts at the door "SLAVES! GET IN HERE!" Immediately an entire brigade of servants stream into the room, organizing themselves in a line. "SLAVES! Fix me up. Make me look, presentable." I watch as they go to work immediately. They work on her hair, her face, her clothes and within a few short minutes Kary actually looked like she might have been able to pass as an Empress. She dismisses them and walks over to the balcony, beckoning me to follow. I follow...cautiously. (She threw her last chancellor off the same balcony for accidentally giving her a pie instead of the cake she requested. Needless to say, I've kept my face to face meetings with her on an absolute minimum.) "Davis. You've done a good job running my empire for the past hundred and fifty years right?" She asks me. "Or, at least that's what the servants tell me. They say you've brought an unprecedented era of peace and prosperity to my realm." I can't help but feel a bit of pride. "Yes that's right. The Imperial economy is at it's strongest. There haven't been any major rebellions or revolts in years and-" "So basically your the reason my life has become so dreadfully boring." She says bluntly. I stand frozen, at a lost for words. "I-I don't understand. Boring?" "Yes! Boring!" She leans on the balcony and takes a good look at her lands. "It used to be that we had heroes crawling out of the fucking woodwork to try to topple my empire. We used to have rebellious lords and civil war every other month! I used to have assassins coming for me practically every night!" "None of the things you just mentioned are good." I say to her. (Please...please don't say what I think your going to say...) "So? At least life was fun back then. It was always exciting, crushing my enemies and battling with upstart heroes! Now the whole world is to frightened of me to do anything." She looks at me, dead in the eyes and says "So, I've decided to take a more active role in my empire, you know maybe go down and mingle with the lords and...common...peoples." I notice her shudder when she says common people. "One of the servants told me today is the 'Day of the People'. Did I get that right?" I don't respond immediately, my brain still absorbing her last sentence. She wants to take a more active role in the Empire? Destroy everything I've worked so hard to establish? "Umm, yes you got it right." (Just go back to bed and spend the rest of your life there and never ever talk to me again. Please.) "And what exactly happens on this day?" She asks me. "Umm. Well, the common folk and lower class nobles come into the palace and one by one they come forth with a complaint, or a matter they need settled, that kind of stuff. And I then address their concerns and try to help them as best I can." I say, edging away from the balcony slowly. "Hmm. That sounds..." (Please say boring. Please say boring. Please say boring.) "Actually like it might be a bit of fun." (DAMN IT! DAMN IT ALL TO HELL! EVERYTHING'S GONNA GO TO SHIT!) She says. "Alright! I've decided! I think I'm going to participate in this silly little event of yours!" (Kill me now!) "Lead the way!" "Okay." I say, trying my best to keep myself from having a complete breakdown. "We can take the dragon down. Everything's already set up anyway." So, we took the dragon down. Word reached the lower levels before we did and by the time we had reached the ground floor, the entire palace was buzzing. Kary hadn't been seen outside of the upper levels in years. Needless to say, for everyone that wasn't me it was quite an exciting affair. A crowd swarmed the landing zone, with everyone wanting to get a glimpse of the Empress. "Davis. What are they doing?" She asks me. "They haven't seen you in a long time. They're excited." I reply motioning the guards to get everything back under control. "Oh no need. I'll take care off them." She says to me as she hops off the dragon. She then turns around, lifts up her dress and does something horrible. "GET BACK TO WORK!" *FffffffFFFFfffffFfllLLlLLLllLrbrlblbrlbrblblrBLrBLrblrBLrBLrlbBRLrlbrbppppppottptptoooooopppttptpt!!* Several members of the crowd were knocked off their feet, gagging and choking. The rest quickly scattered, evacuating the area. I place my head in my hands and wish desperately that this is all a dream and I'm going to wake up and continue on pretending that Kary doesn't exist. I wish and wish with every single cell in my body and when I open my eyes I see Kary in front of me. "What are you doing? Your standing there looking like your really constipated or something." She says, slightly amused. "Nothing. I was just thinking about something. Giants. Yes I was thinking about giants." I say. "Giants?" She asks "Do they still run the torture camps?" "No. We dissolved the torture camps eighty years ago." "What?! Why?!" She asks me angrily. "Because there wasn't any point in keeping them open!" She looks at me angrily and opens her mouth, like she's about to say something then stops, like she's thinking about something. Then she smiles. "So...no more torture camps? No more gulags? No more demons gassing people in the streets?" "No we stopped all that decades ago." I say. (And for good reason! "I see." She says thoughtfully "So...everyone's like. Happy? They go on with their lives without fear of a random gassing?" I nod and we walk together to the main council chambers. Even from twenty feet away I can hear the ruckus through the doors. I stop in front of the massive iron doors and look at Kary. "So...do you have any plans? What your going to say? What your going to do?" "I'll be honest with you Davis. My plan is the piss off as many people as I can." She says. "Wait. What? No!" I reach out and try to stop her, but she kicks the doors open, sending the poor guards standing out front flying. "HEY EVERYONE! IT'S ME! YOUR EMPRESS! GET DOWN ON YOUR KNEES AND START WORSHIPING ME!" She shouts, her voice echoing across the chamber. (Oh gods.....) Everyone freezes, unsure of what to do. The council looks at me, there faces frozen with an expression of complete shock. I look around the chamber. It's was almost like someone hit the pause button in the universe and froze space and time itself. (Because your a psychopath? And no one likes you? And they would have rather gone their whole lives pretending you don't exist?) "Well, they haven't seen you in like a hundred years." I reply. "They're just...surprised. That's all." "Huh. Well, I can fix that." And without another word she walks forward stands in front of the crowd and grunts. *BLlllLLLLLLlfFflFLflFLfLrrrrRRRRRRaaaaaaaBBbbffbfBFFFFOooooooppppppPppPPPppptPTtttTPtTTPtptptptpttptttptpppppppppppppppp!!!* I watch as a cloud of toxic gas washes over the crowd, sending everyone in the chamber to their knees. "Now that you all are on your knees! I have an announcement! Things are gonna change around here! I'm going to be taking a more active role in the administration of my Empire." She walks up to her throne (My throne for the past hundred years...) and takes a seat. "So the first thing I'm going to be doing is taking Davis's place in the Day of the... Davis, what was it again?" "Day of the People!" I shout. "Yes! Day of the People!" She leans back in her chair. "Alright! First person come on up!" The crowd stays still, no one wanting to come forth. (And I can't blame them either) Eventually after a solid 30 seconds of waiting Kary grew impatient and ordered one of the guards to drag someone forth, a peasant farmer I recognized from last year. "Well? What do you want?" Kary asks. The farmer shuffles in his feet and looks at me with pleading eyes. "What are you doing?! Don't look at him! Look at me!" Kary shouts to the peasant. He flinches and turns to Kary. "W-w-w-well. Umm, your-your majesty. Umm. My family's farm, which has been in my family for generations and supplied the Imperial palace's feast on many occasions. It's umm, well my crop this year was ruined by blight. Last year Lord Davis allowed me to collect reparations for my losses." He pauses, uneased by Kary's emotionless face. "My family has run this farm for generations, it's all we can do. If my farm fails this year, we'll all be out of work." I watch to see what Kary will do, the anxiety taking a hold in my stomach and twisting. She stays silent for a few minutes, making exaggerated 'thinking' motions. Eventually she speaks. "Well. Now what a sad, sad story." I watch as the farmers face lightens up, but I stay silent. "I think I know what to do with you. We'll go your fields and I'll have my soldiers burn your farm to the ground, salt your fields, and sell your family to slavery. Then maybe I'll turn you into a scarecrow so you can forever keep watch over your ruined land." (What.) The farmer stands frozen with confusion and shock. "W-what?" He manages to blubber out. "GUARDS TAKE HIM AWAY, AND DO WHAT I JUST SAID I WOULD DO!" She shouts. The guards, had two choices. Either disobey and suffer a possibly worse fate or to comply. They chose to comply and dragged the screaming peasant out of the chamber. I walk up to Kary "Don't you think that was pointlessly cruel and evil?" (And stupid. Very fucking stupid.) "Pointlessly cruel and evil. I like that. You know what, I think that should be the new motto for my Empire! Pointlessly cruel and evil!" She says gleefully. (Oh gods. What have I done.) At that point Kary and I notice the crowd silently attempting to leave through the exit. Kary snaps her fingers and the doors slam shut. "Nope! No one's leaving until you have all had the chance to say what you've come here to say." I could almost feel the fear and anxiety in the room as the next person walked forth. I didn't recognize this one. Some elf girl. (Gods help her) She walked forward, her legs visibly shaking with fright. "Well? Out with it?" "M-My family was robbed by a band of brigands. They took everything we had. Please Empress, have mercy and grant us a small boon. Just enough to make it through a few months. That's all I ask." She says. I look at Kary and she shoots a smile at me. "Hmm. Ok. Here you go." She snaps her fingers and conjures up a large wooden chest filled with gold and jewels. She kicks the chest over to the girl. "There you go. You can count it when you get home." "Oh thank you Empress! Thank you! I will never forget this!" The girl cries out leaving with the chest. "Did you actually just do a good thing there?" I ask confused. "What? No! Why would I do that?" She says "That chest is gonna come to life and eat her in a few hours!" She burst out laughing, and beckons the next person forward. "Alright, what do you want?" A minor lord this time. He walks up and presents himself as Baron Artwad the 5th. "My Empress. Oh great, mighty and beautiful Empress! I ask only for you to lower taxes on the nobility." (Welp. He's dead.) "Our coffers are empty and we can hardly afford to pay! I ask only for a temporary reprieve, to allow us to time to build our coffers." "Hmm. No." Kary signals to her guards. "Bring him up here." The guards step forward and grab the baron dragging him and forcing him to kneel before the throne. "For your impudence, I'm going to do this!" She snaps her fingers and the Baron disappears, leaving only a pile of clothes behind. The crowd gasps, and Kary leans forward, picking a pair of feminine panties from the pile. "Guess what! Your nothing but a panty now!" She than stands up, raises her dress, rips off her older pair and proceeds to slowly, and in full view of everyone, slide them into place, wedging them tightly in between her ass. *Ppppppppfflflblblbbbaaaaaaarrrrbllllllgggrglrglrglllltttpppopotptptptpopotopopfrrrpppaaaaagglltpppppp!!!* Again, the entire chamber is brought to their knees as the gas floods the chamber. And on and on it goes. With Kary finding new and inventive ways to arbitrarily punish people for the crime of existing. Hours passed by and I felt myself slowly dying on the inside as I watched Kary dole out punishment and punishment. Until finally, it was over. "Well Davis? How do you think I did?" Kary asked me after it was all done. "Well if your goal was to piss off everyone, then you did spectacularly! All you had to do was destroy everything I've built in the past hundred years in a few hours and a few words!" I say barely containing my desire to wring her little neck. "In fact you may be the worst ruler in the history off all rulers past, present, and future!" "Now that's what I like to hear!" She says happily. (GOD I HOPE YOU FALL INTO A HOLE AND DIE) "In fact, you've pretty much alienated yourself from every single person in the Empire except for me!" I say. (WHY ME?! WHY COUDN'T YOU HAVE GOTTEN BOB THE FUCKING STEWARD TO COME UP TO YOUR ROOM!?!) "Why not you?" She asks curiously. "Because! Now I'm associated with you! Everyone blames me! You've done so well at pissing everyone off that you've managed to unify the entire nobility against you. That is something that has never happened in the history of the universe! You've actually managed to get these greedy backstabbing bastards to forget hating each other to focusing all of their hate towards you!" "I know! It's so exciting! I haven't felt this hated ever since I killed [Redacted]! When do you think the heroes will start popping up? And the assassins! Oh I've never been so excited about my own impending assassination!" I swear she's almost like a giddy school girl who's just been told her schools burnt down and all her teachers are dead. "Oh! Davis! I also took the liberty of moving your office to the upper levels. Right next to my bedroom actually." "What. Why?!" I say, almost screaming. "Because, like you said, people will probably be trying to kill you to. And I need you alive for the moment. You know, to help me coordinate?" (Just kill me now.) She grabs me by the arm and leans in close. "You and I. We're going to go down in history!" I hate my job. I hate my life. I hate Kary. And there's not a damn thing I can do about it.
Tuesday (Orphans!) I woke up early that day, pestered into consciousness by one of Kary's servants. I was up and dressed within the hour, going through the doors of my new bedroom/office and walking five feet down the hall to the door of the Empress's personal chambers. Before I could knock I was stopped by the same servant who had started this whole mess. "L-Lord Davis?" She squeaked. "T-The Empress ask-asked me to give this t-to you." She continued, holding out a gas mask. I take it and strap it on. "What's this for?" I ask, curiously. "Oh. N-Nothing important really." She says. "Her breakfast this morning was poisoned and it's given her temporary toxic farts." "Poisoned? Is she all right?" I ask (Not that I care.) "Of c-course!" The elf replies "Poison can't kill the Empress. (That's a pity.)The worst is can do to her now is give her somewhat painful cramps and bad gas." "I see." I check the straps around the mask, checking and double checking to make sure it was secure. I take a deep breath and turn the knob. (Gods help me.) Almost immediately the doors rush open as all the pent up gas rushes out into the hall, knocking me off balance. The elf servant squeals and scampers down the hall out of sight. I groan. The mask might help filter out the toxins in Kary's farts but not the smell. I gag and wheeze as the thick, almost visible gas slowly washes over me. Unsurprisingly I notice a large amount of bodies in Kary's chambers. Servants, about a dozen of them dead, presumably from exposure to Kary's poisonous gas. I pick myself up and slowly approach Kary, who's seated at her table by herself, eating breakfast. Her poisoned breakfast. "Your still eating that? Isn't it poisoned?" I ask. "And uhh...the dead bodies?" "Ehh, poison can't kill me." She replies "And the dead guys? The traitorous pricks who poisoned a perfectly good meal! I mean seriously, this is Pegasus meat! Do you know how rare pegasi meat is?" "Pegasi exist?" I ask. (Because I'm pretty sure they don't.) "Well...Not until about 3 hours ago. When I made them. So I could eat them." She pulls out a picture and shows it to me. "Here, take a look." I expected to be greeted by a picture of a horse with wings, as that's what the old myths described them. Instead I'm shown a picture of some nightmarish meat creature with an assortment of twisted limbs and appendages and what kind of resembled wings coming out of what kind of resembled a face. "What..." I say speechless. "Yeah..." Kary says, taking the picture back. "Turns out trying to make new species with magic is a very hard thing to do. I made about a dozen of em and all they would do was roll around in horrible painful agony and scream 'Kill Me!' over and over again. And they probably would have killed themselves to if their limbs were actually usable." She cuts off a piece of meat. "Want some? It's not that bad." "No thanks. I'm not in the mood for crimes against nature." (Probably gives bad gas to.) Her belly rumbles and she groans, grabbing her stomach with a look of pain on her face. "Goddamn traitorous servants...poisoning my goddamn breakfast!" *Bbbbbbbbblblblbbllbbrrbrbrrbbbrrrrrraaaaaabbbbbbbbbfffbbfffffffffffpfpfpfpppppppppppfptpttptptpttptppppptttoooppp* I back away, avoiding the deadly, toxic miasma surrounding Kary. "Ahhhhhh...." Kary says, sighing with relief. "Oh I cannot tell you how good that feels..." She smiles and grabs a small bell, ringing it. Immediately the small elf servant appears at her door. "You've met Ellie right? She's a darling! Been my personal servant since day one!" (Oh that poor girl.) "Yes, I've met her." I look at Ellie, her face is covered with a gas mask and she stands as still as a statue. "Since day one? You mean since your coronation?" Kary nods, her mouth full of Pegasus butt. (How appropriate.) I look at Ellie again. How could this tiny, frail, little elf have survived so long as Kary's servant? (Note to self - Do a little research on Ellie.) *PppppPPpppPpppppPPpppprrprRrprprprprRPrprrrrraaaaaAaaaaapaapaaaaabbbppfffffptptttptt!!!* Another fart rumbles out of Kary's ass, interrupting my train of thought. The smell hits me before I have a chance to prepare I gag and puke a little in my mouth, the thick unnatural smell coming from Kary is unlike anything I've ever experianced and I quickly make my way to the balcony, throwing the doors open and letting in fresh air. Kary laughs. "What's wrong Davis? My farts to much for you?" I don't respond. (Go fuck yourself Kary) "Ellie! Let's not let Davis suffer any more. Get over here." She says. "Yes mistress." Ellie says. I watch her walk over to Kary and take a seat on the floor behind her. Her head is level with Kary's butt, a dangerous place to be. *Gggrrrgrgggbbbbllblblllloooobbbllllfffffrrrrppppppttttptptptptttttttppotttpppttt!!* She breathes deeply, gagging and coughing slightly, but nonetheless taking Kary's gas like a champion. And soon, in under a minute all the gas was gone, sniffed up by the skinny elf girl. (Un-freaking believable) "Look at her! Cool right?" Kary says "She's like a freaking mutant! I've never met anyone who could take farts like her!" "That's...impressive...I guess." I say as I fan the air out the window. "Heh, so anyways, lets get to why I called you here today." She pauses and takes a deep breath. "What do all good heroes have in common Davis?" She asks. The question comes out of nowhere, and it takes a while for me to come up with a response. "Umm, Honor? Valour? Courage? Self-sacrifice? Good Morals?" I say. "What about you Ellie?" Kary replies, continuing her meal. "Umm...Bravery? Diligence? Kindness?" She replies timidly. "Hmm. Anything else?" Kary asks. "No? Favorite Heroes then?" I shake my head. "Never really got into the old stories." (Actually I did, but I'm not giving you the satisfaction.) "Ellie?" She thinks about it. "I like the Weaver stories." "Weaver doesn't count Ellie." Kary finishes the last of bit of her breakfast and stands up. "Anyways, want to know what I have planned today?" "More pissing everyone off?" I ask. "Same as last night mistress? I'm still a bit sore...." Ellie says and I look at her a little surprised. "Kind of and yes. Davis, I want you to compile a list of the top fifty most prosperous and peaceful villages in my Empire. I want it done in an hour. Take Ellie with you. I need to go down to the barracks to make some modifications to our army. Meet me there when your done!" Kary stands up pushes the two of us out of her room before walking off the balcony, and floating to the barracks below. "Alright then..." I walk the five feet to my room and step in, inviting Ellie. She follow, shaking slightly. "What...what do you want me to do?" She asks me. "Grab me those papers there, and those records on that shelf over there." I take a seat at my desk, the only thing I was able to save from my office. I take a seat and pull out a pen. Ellie piles on the papers and records. Together we begin compiling the list, starting with the most peaceful and going on to the most prosperous. "Ellie?" I ask. "Y-yes Lord Davis?" She replies, looking up from one of the record books. "Do you want me to...transfer you out of here?" I ask cautiously "Normally Kary's servants are rotated out each month to prevent...permanent damage." "N-no thanks Lord Davis." Ellie replies bluntly. "I'm happy where I am. I like helping mistress Kary." "Why do you call her mistress?" I ask, curious. (Although I suspect I know why...) "Oh..umm." The question seems to surprise her as she blushes and fidgets in her chair. "I umm...help Kary relieve...stress..." "Stress?" I ask. "Yes...stress." She rubs her butt absentmindedly as she says stress. "She has lot's of pent up...stress." "What about earlier? When she had you sit behind her and sniff. Do that often?" I ask. Ellie nods her head. "It's alright though, farts don't effect me as much as other people. I mean, it smells awful but I've gotten used to it and I've never passed out." She starts to drone on, with an unfocused absentminded look on her face. "It's nice, I get good food, a place to sleep, and every night the empress and I..." She stops herself before continuing. "Umm...yeah...I'm used to her farts" "I...see." We both remain silent for a while before Ellie speaks up again. "She's not a bad person." She says out of nowhere. "Either you and I have a very different definition of bad, or your thinking of a different person then I am." I reply "We are talking about Kary right?" "Right. She's not a bad person." Ellie says. "She's just like you or me, she has dreams, and hopes and feelings just like anyone else! People try to make her seem like some kind of horrible evil tyrannical overlord, but she's not!" "Actually she is. You know she's probably the most horrible evil tyrannical overlord in all of history so far." I retort. "Didn't you hear what she did yesterday?" "No? What did she do?" She asks innocently. "She had several dozen people murdered, homes burnt down, families enslaved, nobles turned to underwear, and on and on. She also destroyed nearly a centuries worth of peace in a few hours and pissed off everyone worth pissing off in the Empire!" I say, practically shouting towards the end. Ellie looks at me somewhat crestfallen. "Oh...I guess...that's...kind of bad? But I'm sure she had a good reason!" She fidgets around in her chair for a few seconds, opening her mouth as if she was about to say something, then stopping. She sighs, shakes her head and sits silently. We end up spending the next hour in awkward silence as we finish compiling the list. Tuesday 11:58 AM, The Imperial Barracks Ellie and I took the dragon downstairs, managing to make it to the barracks only a few minutes before 12. "What the?! What did you do to my- the army?!" I said my mouth agape. Last week if I had walked into the barracks I would have seen soldiers in well kept brown coats, showing their rank and position in the army. They would had smiled, said hello and generally they'd have things to do, places to be. They'd have been miling around the barracks, playing cards, sleeping, drinking, chatting, and generally doing what soldiers did in down time. Now the barracks were filled with an army of men and women in full body black uniforms with intimidating masks that covered their faces, all standing in formation, prepared for battle. She had turned my beautiful army into a legion of faceless mooks! "Your late!" Kary says, pointing her staff at me. "No I'm not!" I reply angrily. "Oh really? Well then allow me to PROVE YOU WRONG! SHOW TIME!" She shouts as she slams her staff into the floor. The entire palace begins to rumble and shake as massive golden numbers appear, floating in mid air above Kary. Fireworks erupt from behind, filling the barracks with colorful lights. The numbers began rearranging themselves, and a massive disembodied voice booms out from nowhere "IT IS NOW ELEVEN FIFTY-NINE". The voice echos throughout the entire palace and (according to later reports, could be heard by everyone within a twenty mile radius) shakes it down to it's very foundations. Kary looks at me then at the numbers. "Hmm. Ok. Fine you were on time." I look up at the golden numbers, than at Kary. "What...was that?" "It's a spell I made to show me the time. Duh." She replies as if this was a normal thing. "Does it have to be so...loud?" I say. "No. Probably not." She says. "Anyways. Like the new and improved Imperial army?" Suddenly, she bends over and grabs her gut. "Ugh...poisons still not out of me yet. *BbllllllblblrlrrrrrraaaaaapppbbbbffffffffffffftttttppppppppppooooppptttttttttttTTttttTTtTtttttTttTttt!!* "It means exactly what it means! I've turned the army into a proper villains army!" She grabs one of the soldiers and presents him to me. "Check it out! Black trench coats for maximum intimidation! Masks covering the entire face, making it so that heroes fell less bad about killing them wholesale!" She flips the soldier around showing off a glowing rune in the back of his neck. "Loyalty runes to ensure that these troops will never turn against me! And finally! I removed most of the guns from the army!" "Why?! Guns are what made the army good!" I say flabbergasted. "Exactly! They made the army too good. People can block swords, arrows and magic but bullets tend to be a bit less blockable." She guides my view down to the soldiers waist. "Now all soldiers are equipped with swords and crossbows! To give any potential heroes a fighting chance!" "That's stupid." I reply. "You realize that's stupid right? The armies of the nobility will keep their guns, you know that right?" "Nope, I put out an Imperial decree, everyone has to turn in their guns to the crown, under punishment of a gassing. Also I reformed the torture corps." She points the the edge of the barracks where a large group of scantily clad women were polishing there...tools. "Aren't they great? I took the meanest, gassiest, most sadistic girls I could find and put them all in a single group." I sigh and shake my head. "So...why did you do this?" "First! The list please!" Kary says holding out her hand. I shove the list into Kary's hands and watch as she scrolls through the list of names. She stand silently for a few seconds with a large smile on her face. "So. Davis? Ellie? What does every good hero need?" "Didn't we alread-" I begin before Kary interrupts me. "Yes, you but you missed something." She says impatiently. "Ellie? Remember the story of Castle Grigerwlad? What did the hero have in that story?" "Umm....Courage, Honor, Goo-" She begins. "NO!" Kary shouts frustrated. "He had a tragic backstory! Every good hero has a tragic back story! You know! A traumatic event in their childhoods or something that forces and propels them into hero-dom!" She waves her arms around as she continues ranting about how important it is for a good hero to have a tragic back story. "Unfortunately Davis, the last two hundred years of peace have resulted in a serious lack of villains and good heroes. So naturally, it's up to me to solve that problem." All of a sudden I realize what the list is for and what Kary had planned for today. "Kary...you're not seriously planning what I'm thinking right?" "No! So today! We're going to these villages you've listed here and we're going to play the part of the evil overlords who march into the peaceful village and burn and loot and pillage and destroy!" She says like a giddy child. "Oh It'll be great! I can't wait!" "That's...exactly what I was thinking." I say groaning. "Ok, so what Davis? Your a mind reader now?! You can read my mind and know what I'm gonna do before I do it?!" Kary says angrily. "Doesn't matter! We're going to the town of...um..." She scans the list, looking for a suitable target. "Ok! To the town of Cassarys! MOVE OUT!" She shouts at the soldiers. The soldiers in the barracks immediately began marching out the door, the sound of their boots echoing throughout the palace and shaking centuries of dust off the walls. I shake my head and sigh. Ellie grabs my sleeve and tugs, trying to get my attention. "Umm, Lord Davis? Do you think we'll be out for a long time? Should I pack a lunch for Mistress Kary? Do you think she'd like turkey or chicken better? Or maybe I could pack some of that pegasus meat into a sandwich or something." I look at Ellie, who seems completely oblivious that we're about to march out and massacre scores of innocents just to pander Kary's delusions about heroes. "No. Ellie. No. I don't think sandwiches are really on Kary's mind right now." "So...no lunch?" She asks. "No. No lunch." I say. "Ok. Oh this is exciting! I rarely get to leave the Imperial City." Ellie says, unable to contain her glee. "Ellie. You realize what were leaving to do right?" I ask curiously. "We're going to the listed villages to help people, right? Make things more peaceful and prosperous?" She says with a completely straight face. "Thats...I...." I bury my face in my hands. "Ellie...maybe you should stay in the palace for now." "Absolutely not!" She says indignantly "What if your on the road and Kary wants a sandwich? Or a back rub? Do you know the kind of sandwiches Kary even likes?! Or what if she needs to fart? Do you have a masters degree in fart sniffing?!" I just shake my head and sigh. "You...have a masters degree in fart sni-?" "YOU TWO COMING OR WHAT?!" Kary shouts. "WE'RE LEAVING WHETHER YOU COME OR NOT!" Before I can say another word, Ellie squeals and scampers away, following the sound of Kary's voice. I close my eyes and take a deep breath. I shudder, realizing what's going to happen today and begin walking. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I've visited Cassarys before. Nice place. Nice people. Maybe I would have retired there one day. Not now though. I stretched as I saw the town slowly appear in the distance. I could hear music and see the crowds even a mile away. I remember, Cassarys has an annual festival celebrating there towns heroes and stories. When we were a half mile away I heard the music stop and saw the crowds beginning to disperse. I don't blame them. What else would you do if you were having a good party and saw a legion of black clad soldiers marching your way? "Look at them flee Davis! Think there's any good hero material here?" Kary asks. "A few famous adventurers have come out of Cassarys." I reply "Red-Axe, The Rose, etc." I turned my attention back to the town, where I noticed three people running towards us, followed by at least two dozen members of the towns local militia. I pointed this out to Kary, who simply shrugged and pointed out that there were ten-thousand soldiers with us. "KARY VAN DERE!" The leader shouted, his voice reaching us a hundred feet away. "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" "Hear that Davis? He won't let us pass." Kary says. "Whatever shall we do?" She marched the army and stopped, just twenty feet away from the group. The leader was a massive hulk of a man, probably a half orc. Next to him was an old human woman, presumably a mage judging from the robes and staff. And the third was an elf, dressed in leather with a nasty looking bow on her shoulder. Kary hops of her horse and walks ups the the group. "So who the fuck are you guys supposed to be?" The big one steps forward with two axes bigger then Kary is in his hands. "I AM RHEAGAR THE BLOOD AXE OF CASSARYS! AND YOU WILL NOT STEP FOOT IN MY TOWN YOU MONSTER!" He roars, ripping off his shirt, revealing his massive battle scarred chest. "I'VE SLAIN THE CYCLOPS OF TANITH, RESCUED THE PRINCESS OF MARTH, I'VE BATTLED WITH PIRATES ALL ACROSS THE SEA, FOUGHT THE DRAKE OF VALKAYDIA, AND I WILL DEFEA-" *GggggggggGGGbbblblbllblbbLBbblbBbbBrRBrbRrRrRrRrppPpPPpppPPPpppPaaaaaAaaAaapapppfffFFfFffpfpfpRrRrrRrrRrbbbBbllblblbooorrrrpptt* Rheagars loud speech is interrupted by an even louder fart from Kary. I look at her, she's standing with one of her legs raised up. She fans some of her gas towards the group. "Ahhhh, that felt so good!" She says "What's it smell like? Good right?" Some of the militia gag and back away, but Rheager and his group stand defiantly against Kary's gas. "YOU SHOULD TAKE ME MORE SERIOUSLY ELF!" Rheagar growls "I CAN BREAK YOU IN HALF WITH MY BARE HAND! I WILL BE THE ONE TO END YOUR REIGN TYRANT! I WILL BATHE IN YOUR BLOOD! I WILL TEAR YOU LIMB FROM LIMB! I WILL-GURK!" Suddenly he freezes and falls to his knees. He looks up at Kary and I notice his face is red, very red. He gags, gurgles and spits out blood before falling over. The elf ranger screams and checks Rheagars body. "He's...he's...dead..." She cries out. I walk over to the body and wipe some of the blood of his face. Wait. It's not blood. It's...strawberry jam? "Kary? What the hell did you do to him?" "What? I cast a blood to jam spell on him. Honestly, if he didn't have magic protecting him from a simple blood to jam spell, then he wasn't worth my time." She says nonchalantly. "Blood to jam?!" I say "That exists?! There's a spell that turns blood to jam?!" "Of course! Where did you think strawberry jam came from?" She says. "Strawberries?!" I reply. She chuckles. "Oh Davis, there's so much you don't know. Next you'll be telling me that milk comes from cows! Ha Ha!" "What?!" I say. "ENOUGH!" The old mage shouts, pointing her staff at Kary. "YOUR DEAD! SPEAR OF HOLY LI-" Before she can finisher her spell, a glob of slime flies out of Kary's staff and smacks the old mage right in the face, drying instantly and sealing her mouth shut. "Pro-tip, maybe you should learn how to cast spells, without saying them out loud. Like this." She points her staff at the mage and wiggles it around. The mage stands confused before I notice she's getting paler, and fluffier. She looks down at her body and her eyes widen as she realizes she's turning into bread. She tries desperately to get the slime of her mouth but her hands are to bread like to do anything and she quickly falls over, turned into a large human sized piece of bread. The rangers eyes widen and she immediately nocks her bow, sending several arrows towards Kary's face. Several arrows that bounce harmlessly off an invisible barrier. "Wow. Arrows. If pointy sticks could kill me, I'd have died a long time ago." Kary shakes her head with disappointment as two daggers bounce of her shield. She taps her staff and the rangers limbs fall off and turn into piles of assorted sandwich meats. Then she turns to the militia, who drop there weapons and begin fleeing. She smiles and taps her staff again. I watch as the militia turn into lettuce, tomatoes, onions, olives, pickles, mayonnaise, ketchup, etc. "Ellie!" Kary shouts. And all of a sudden, she's there by Kary's side. "Yes mistress?" "Make me a...hero sandwich!" She says barely stifling her laughter. "Get it Davis? Hero sandwich? Hehehehe." Ellie spends the next few seconds running around from pile to pile, grabbing various ingredients before running up and presenting Kary with a magnificent looking hero sandwich. "Mmm, that looks delicious! What do you think Davis? Want some?" "No...just...no" Is all I can say. "Fine, I'm sure some of the soldiers would want some. You!" She says pointing to a random soldier. "Want a sandwich?" She asks. The soldier looks at me, then at Kary. "Umm. Yes Ma'am a sandwich would be nice." "Elllie. Make this man a sandwich!" Kary says snapping her fingers. "In fact! Sandwiches for everyone! Everyone gets a sandwich!" She shouts to her army. "Davis, we're going to stop here for a bit, have some sandwiches ok?" We ended up having a sandwich party that lasted three hours long. Must have really confused the hell out of the people of Cassarys. After the army was fully fed, we marched into the town. Kary walked into the town square with her army and had her troops force everyone out of there homes and in front of her. There she began her speech. "Hello people of Cassarys! It's me! Your Empress! I'm sure your all wondering why I'm here and why I've brought a ten thousand man strong army with me! Well, there's a simple explanation for that. I'm going to have every single one of you killed except for one of your children, around the age of maybe fourteen or fifteen." The crowd began to panic. "But don't worry! Your deaths will not be in vain! Know that you died so that I may one day be entertained!" She finishes speaking and turns around, pointing her ass at the crowd. *FfFFfFFfFBFBfBfbBBbBrbrbbbbBbbbbrRRrrrRRrrrrraaaAaaaAaaPPfpffffftptttppopt!* The entire crowd is stunned as Kary's gas sweeps through the square. Many of them gagging and falling to there knees. Then she turned to her soldiers. "Don't make it quick! And make sure you spare one kid and bring him or her to me!" The soldiers, with their loyalty runes burned into there backs, complied. I watched as they began making there way through Cassary's burning, stabbing and shooting there way across the town. I watched Karys new torture corps drag people out of there homes and gas them to death. (I must say, I've never seen a fairy actually go into a butt before.) Needless to say, it wasn't a very pleasant experience. I stood away from the fighting, trying to pretend that I wasn't a horrible person. (But I'm pretty sure I'm going to hell for this.) "Glorious isn't it Davis?" Kary says, walking up to me. I stay silent. That was when Ellie walked up to us and grabbed Karys attention. "Umm Kary? Umm. Are we bad guys? Because um, I was walking around and watching some of the soldiers, and it kinda maybe looks like we might be the bad guys." Kary looks at Ellie. Then she looks at me. Then she looks at Cassary's, burning down around her as her army marches through killing and torturing everyone they can find. "No Ellie. We're not bad guys. We're just...donating swords and arrows into the bodies of people that don't have swords and arrows inside them. We're um, doing charity work." "Oh! Ok!" Ellie says happily "I was worried there for a second." "Yeah. Why don't you go over there? I think I see some people hiding in those trash cans. Take this sword and donate your blade into their hearts, ok?" Kary says handing Ellie a sword. "Yes mistress!" She says before skipping over to the trashcans where she begins gleefully stabbing. "So...What makes you think this will even work?" I ask Kary. "What do you mean?" She replies. "How do you know that the kid you spare will grow up into a hero? What if you just traumatize the kid into oblivion?" I say. "That's why I had you make a list of the top fifty towns and villages." She says. "Wait." I begin, slowly realizing what I've done. "Your going to do this? To all fifty places on that list?" "Yup." Kary replies. "You ca-" "Empress!" We both turn to see a group of soldiers dragging a boy towards us, around 16 years old. The force him to kneel in front of Kary. "Excellent catch! Where did you find him?" "Some basement. He was down there killing giant rats." The soldier replies. "Is he suitable my Empress?" "Yes. Yes!" Kary says. "You are dismissed, keep doing what you do." She waits until the soldiers are gone before turning to the kid. "What's your name?" She asks him. The kid doesn't say a thing, all he does is look at Kary with utter and complete hatred in his eyes. "Well, I don't need to know your name." She bends down and looks the kid right in the eyes. "You probably want to kill me right now right? You must hate me for doing this to your home and family right? Well, guess what. I'm going to let you live today alright? Maybe one day you'll grow up into a fine hero. Maybe one day you might actually defeat me and end my evil and tyrannical rule on the continent. So hold on to this hate, let it guide you, mold you. But not now. You've got some growing up to do." She pushes the kid onto his back with her staff and quickly takes a seat on his face. "When you wake up. I'll be gone." She pats the kid on his head and grunts. *PPPPPPpppppooooopppPOPPPPpPPtPTTtptptpTPTTpppPFfFfpffFPFfpfffrrrpppbbllllrrooopppppppttttffraaapppptttt!!!!* A twenty second long gut burner slowly rumbles out of Kary's ass. Even from where I was standing I could smell the sulfurous stink of Kary's behind. The kid struggled and thrashed about for a few seconds before he went limp. "Ahh, that was nice." She says as she gets off the unconscious boy. "Think we're almost done here?" Kary asks me. I look around. Dead bodies litter the streets. Screams echo throughout the town and almost everything was on fire. "Yeah. I think your done here." "Excellent. On to the next town then." She says with a smile. I hate my job. I hate my life. I hate Kary. And there's not a damn thing I can do about it. |
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