Method Acting
by: ???

Why did they have to shoot this scene last? Arianna lamented.

It was a small complaint; the day had been very fruitful, with many core scenes being shot, many of them going flawlessly. Though the hours had been long, Arianna Markowitz was quite proud of herself. She had been both professional and creative. The cause of her complaint was the fact that this scene would require energy and focus, and the gauntlet she had already run had left her drained. And yet, when she saw the lights, the cameras, and the crew, she knew she could do her job.

With a smile, she stepped out onto the set, ready to make the scene her bitch.

The set was a cramped public bathroom constructed on a sound stage. Ariannas friend and colleague, Lyra Thompson, was already seated in one of the stalls, door open and fully clothed in gray business wear. She was joking with the director, Harry Gilliam, a man with a mop of sandy hair and a beard.

“Hey!” Harry shouted, “Hey Quinn, get back here!” He darted off into the crew, chasing after a rogue cameraman. Arianna took the opportunity to have a chat with Lyra. The woman was blonde and in her forties, a veteran of theatre with two or three nods from major awards. She had taken the twenty-seven year old Arianna under her wing, mentoring her and teaching her some professional tricks. The two had become fast friends.

“You look like you could use some rest”, Lyra commented upon seeing Arianna.

“Definitely. You look like you could still run a marathon, though.”

Lyra chuckled. “Believe me; I’ll be as happy to catch some Zs as you.”

“The scheduling could have been better today.”

“Harrys got to take what he gets; the world doesn't revolve around his movie.”

Arianna was curious. “So, as a veteran of the business, tell me your honest opinion; you think this scene is too over-the-top?”

The blonde woman huffed. “What, a scene with two women making flatulent noises in the bathroom? Its not like it hasn't been done before.”

“Yeah, but…” Arianna inched closer into the stall, lowering her voice. “I’m worried that its going to be too childish. I mean, does it really bring anything to the movie?”

Lyras expression grew serious. “Honey, you’ve seen me on shows like Getaway and Thieves House, so you know I’ve been in more than my fair share of sex scenes. Let me tell you; I would choose this scene over any of them in an instant. You know why? It actually serves the plot. Is it ridiculous? Absolutely, but at least we're using our talents instead of our bodies.” An impish grin tugged at her lips. “Besides, as long as were doing it, we might as well have fun with it.”

The young actress felt more reassured by that sentiment. “But having a good body can’t hurt, right?”

“Not at all”, Lyra said in a sly tone, winking at Arianna.

Harry resurfaced from the crowd. “Ladies, I assume everything is alright?”

“Just fine”, Arianna answered.

“We almost ready to shoot?” Lyra asked.

“Almost, replied Harry. “If you need to use the bathroom, close the door and go right ahead.”

“I’d hate to stink up your set.” She teased.

Harry chortled, and addressed Arianna. “We’ll get started in a moment. If you will be so kind as to take your seat, we can get the ball rolling here.” He gestured to the stall to Lyras left.

“Right.” The young actress entered the stall and sat down on the toilet, keeping her pants pulled up. They were only going to shoot her upper body, so she could preserve her modesty until they did the shots of her feet, then she would briefly have to yank them down. Straight ahead of her was a camera, pointed directly at her face. Taking a few deep breaths, she went over the lines in her head.

*GRGRRRGGLLL*

Ariannas eyes went wide as she grasped her stomach, completely shocked that she had made that noise.

*GRRRGGL*

As the second grumble rocked her belly, a bloating feeling started to build in her abdomen.

‘Are my nerves causing this?’ she wondered. It was not uncommon for her to get a nervous stomach before a performance, but those symptoms usually manifested as nausea. ‘I shouldn't be nervous; I've had all day to work the butterflies from my system.’ Inevitably, her thoughts turned to the things she had eaten recently, and she had a suspicion about which meal might be the root of her troubles.

Lunch: the burrito.

In the city, the restaurant across the street from where they'd been filming a place called Garcias had these extra-large burritos on the menu, and being the hungry actress she was, Arianna had ordered one. She'd never had much Mexican or Spanish food in her life, and thought that the rumors of the havoc they wreaked on ones colon were overblown.

Evidently, she was mistaken.

What am I going to do? Any minute we're going to start filming.

Then, an idea gestated in Ariannas mind. It was candid and a bit disgusting, but the worst that would happen is that the director called cut and she'd have to flush a toilet. Sure, the ridicule that was sure to follow would be scathing, but her pride would remain intact.

Maybe the shooting schedule isn't so inconvenient after all.

As the crew milled about, getting the last details into place, Arianna surreptitiously unbuttoned her jeans. She lifted her bottom off the seat a little and slid them down, just enough to expose her rump. After she sat back down, the cameraman, Quinn, took his station outside Ariannas stall behind his camera. He was a couple years younger than her, and, she thought, was attracted to her.

The thin intern gave her a thumbs up. “You ready?”

“Oh yeah”, she answered. ‘you have no idea……...’

Then he chanced a look down and noticed her bare butt on the seat. “Uh, You know we only need to get you from the waist up, right?” he reminded her, blushing ever so slightly.

Arianna gave him an awkward smile. “It helps me get into character.”

“Ah, method acting good strategy.”

She nodded. The pressure was building up within her, insisting on release.

“Places everybody!” Harry called.

“Break a leg,” Quinn said as he stepped behind the bulky camera.

“And three, two, one, action!”

Lyra, now taking on the persona of Helen Wolkeshire, grunted from the next stall. The flatulence and splashes were supposed to be edited in later.

“Excuse you”, Arianna said, giving her voice an annoyed tone. She had become the character of Louisa Cordola.

“Huh”, Helen said. “I think thats the most courtesy you've ever afforded me.”

Louisa shrugged.

“How are you feeling?” Helen asked tenderly.

Well, here goes nothing, Arianna thought.

*FRRRRRRPPPPPPPPPTTTTTT*

Louisa farted, and it wasn't some fake-sounding effect added from an editing booth; this was a wet, cheek-flapping burrito fart, something her player Arianna had given her to use.

As expected, the crew was visibly shocked. They had not been expecting that. Yet the cameras kept rolling and nobody moved to stop them. True to her reputation as an actress, Lyra continued with the scene.

“Same, eh?” Helen said, pausing to reply with her own flatulence.

“Worse.” Louisa could smell something foul, drifting up between her legs. Ariannas cameraman noticed too, evidenced by the twitch of his nose.

“I doubt that.”

*BBRRRRRRRRRPPPPPPTTTT SSSSSSSPPPPPRRRRRRRTTT*

The two women exchanged gas like boxers exchanged blows.

“Why did you withhold your recommendation?” Louisa asked, getting to the heart of the scene.

More fake farts. “HnngBecause you weren’t ready for the position.”

*PPPHHHRRRRRRRRRRTTTTT*

“Yes I was!” Louisa said angrily.

“No, you werent,” Helen affirmed in that strict schoolteacher tone. “You weren't ready to head a whole division of this company.”

The hotheaded young Cordola groaned (for real; another something bestowed by Arianna). “But why?” Louisa wanted a reason.

An aggressive burst of flatulence would be edited in, there. “Because you’re arrogant, short-tempered, and think you can achieve anything by bludgeoning through other people.”

For once, Louisa Cordola was silent. Gas hissed from her sphincter (there was something coming; Louisa and Arianna could both feel it).

“You think it’ll get you respect, but it wont. All you’ll get is bad attitude from your subordinates and disrespect from your peers. If you don’t learn a little something about tact and caution, this world will chew you up and spit you back out.” Helen paused, both to collect her thoughts and to drop a small amount of waste, before adding gently “I had to learn that the hard way.”

Arianna could feel something hot, something soft, at her back door. She realized she could not fart anymore without dropping something more.

I’ve come this far. Might as well go all the way.

She released her grip, and a column of mushy crap slipped out of her, burning a little as it did, and landed in the toilet. She ripped a reverberating fart that covered up the sound of its landing and spattered steaming shit all throughout her crack. It really stung.

“So what you're saying,” Louisa said, wincing from the pain, “Is that you were trying to teach me?”

Guilty gas from Helen was heard. “Withholding your recommendation was the only way I could see to do it. You wouldnt listen any other way.”

Louisa put a hand to her mouth, not because of the smell (though several of the crew were holding their noses, director included) but because she realized the person she thought was her mortal enemy was actually her strongest ally.

When she had mustered the courage, she acknowledged that. “Thank you,” she whispered.

“Youre welcome. I have faith in you girl, you just need a kick in the butt sometimes.” Fake splash. “Well, we can’t spend all day farting on the toilet. What say we finish this up? I want to have a word with the cafeteria staff; there is going to be some serious quality control overhauls on the food they cook from now on.”

A conspiratorial smile spread across Louisas face like wildfire. “First one to finish gets to ream Stephen?”

The feet beneath the partition on the far side planted themselves more firmly. “You’re on.”

Louisa pressed both hands on the walls of the stall for leverage. “Three, two, one, go!” She pushed as hard as she could.

*FFFRRRRRRRRRPPP* *SSPSPPPPPPRRRAAAAAAAAATTT* *SSSSPLLLOOOOOOOOORRTTT* *BBRRRRRRRRRPPPPPPPPTTTTTTT* *SSSHHPPRRRRRTT*

Fart-propelled shit shot painfully from Louisa and Ariannas shared asshole, painting the bowl a brownish orange. Some heavy plops interspersed the diarrheic flood, casting muddied water back up onto Louisas much-envied cheeks.

*GGRRRRGLLL*

Her stomach rumbled as the mess inside her was expelled from her body. In the next stall, Helen was grunting as her bowels tried to beat Louisas. “Hrk!Come on...hnnnggg!...Yes!”

The restroom turned into a battlefield, consumed by the flatulence of its two female occupants. Feeling something big coming, Louisa gripped the toilet seat and bore down.

*SHHPPLLLOOOOOOORRRRRTTTTT* *SHLLICK* *SPLOOOSH*

“Ahh”, Louisa sighed as a long thin log was fired off, completing her dump. She relaxed back in triumph.

Helen struggled for a few seconds more before finishing up herself. Realizing she’d been beaten, she gave a small smile, “Give Stephen hell for me.”

“Count on it”, Louisa replied, drawing a huge amount of toilet paper from the roller beside her.

“And cut!” Harry called, his voice nasally since his nose was clamped shut. “Well done! No can somebody PLEASE get rid of this STENCH! I know we wanna make it real for the movie, but enough is enough!” He coughed as he quickly escaped the set.

Arianna gently slipped out of character, tossing the fake TP to the side. Lyra came around the corner and entered Ariannas stall, leaning against the wall and clapping her hands. “Bravo. I’ve heard of method acting ,but that was something else entirely.”

“Yeah”, Arianna said, leaning back and basking in her success (not to mention the stink shed created), “I just took your advice about acting on impulse. I guess that burrito saw some extra use. She patted the side of her right buttock.”

Lyra eyed the young woman suspiciously. “You didn't actually take a dump, did you?”

“Ew, why would I do that?”, Arianna lied, “It was just gas.”

Lyra nodded. “Thats a relief,” she said exiting the stall, heading to get changed, “because those toilets are just props. They don’t flush.”

Arianna paled “Shit....”

“Oh my god somebody open a window please!”