By: Vharala
Wooden stake? Check. Symbol of the cross? Check. Holy water? Check. Garlic? Hmmm.... That was going to be a problem.
You could never be too careful on a vampire hunt. They were fiendish creatures of the night, prowling the shadows of midnight as they sought out victims to drain them of their blood. Kimberlyn had more blood to offer than most, given that she was a rather sizable girl, but tonight she would be the one doing the hunting. She had all the gear she needed save for the garlic. The base vegetable she had in spades, but simply hanging them around her chubby neck wasn’t going to ward off anything; folklore was recklessly inaccurate in that regard. No, she needed a dispersal mechanism, and with none at hand, she was forced to go with the method that nature provided.
Kimberlyn took the cloves and diced them, cooking them well and mixing them in with a delicious pasta. It was a larger and more pungent meal than she typically ate, but if she was going vampire hunting, then she was sure to need her strength.
As darkness fell upon the land, Kimberlyn suited up. She donned an incredibly snug black latex outfit that left all but her hands and neck exposed. It was a custom order, able to handle even her gargantuan girth – if only just. The latex creaked as she pulled it up over massive rump, and then again as she struggled to squeeze the entirety of her large, sagging gut inside. Nobody would think that someone as fat and well-endowed as she was could be cut out for this line of work, but she’d prove them wrong – right after she pushed herself up against a wall so she could better pop her boobs into her revealing little number.
When she was clothed, armed, and very well fed, Kimberlyn left her hideout and set out for a district where vampire attacks had been on the rise recently.
The streets were empty. There wasn’t a soul in sight, alive or otherwise. The locals had taken to hiding indoors and boarding up their windows, but cowering from the terror wasn’t going to solve anything. Kimberlyn was.
A freezing mist descended upon the cobbled paths of this old-fashioned nook of the world. It chilled Kimberlyn, but her many layers of fat kept the worst of the cold at bay.
For hours, Kimberlyn patrolled, gripping a stake in one hand and a vial of holy water in the other as she kept her head on a swivel, her eyes watching closely for anything amiss. It was good to stay alert, but unfortunately her meal from earlier was making stealth an impossibility. Her stomach groaned with the loud effects of digestion, to say nothing of the sounds that came afterward, when her ass grumbled in gassy discontent. She did her best to hold it all in.
It wasn’t until nearly three in the morning that something happened, by which time Kimberlyn was doubting that the beast would show. It had watched her all night, waiting, biding its time until even she let her guard down.
The vampire leapt from the swathes of umbral blackness, trailing shadow as it sprung from wall to lamppost, flanking Kimberlyn and trying to catch its prey from behind.
It looked like the huntress was done for. Her back was to the creature and her pale neck was prime for the taking. Of course, that was just how she wanted it to appear.
Lacking the cunning of its higher brethren, the vampire went straight for the bait. It leapt onto Kimberlyn’s back, latching itself with a feral grip and baring its sharp, pointed fangs. Kimberlyn gasped. The beast flung its head back and dove, taking aim at Kimberlyn’s jugular and plunging its teeth into her supple neck.
Or at least, it tried to.
Kimberlyn wasn’t just fat, she was impervious. The vampire’s fangs cracked on her indestructible skin, sending the fiend reeling back in howling pain. It was hurt, vulnerable. All she need do now was to finish it off before it could skulk back into the shadows. For that, she took aim. Both the holy water and the stake would have served her just fine, but her ass had been holding back a storm for hours; a storm that it was time to unleash.
PPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPHHHHHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRBBBBBBBBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
All of the night’s pent-up gasses were released all at once in a roaring fart that wailed through the darkness. Kimberlyn bent over, straightening her stomach out (as much as a gut of her roundness could be) and forcing the fumes out. For a moment it looked like her surprise attack was going to get caught inside her skin-tight outfit. The latex around her backside bubbled and bulged, but then the material burst, letting loose the trapped gasses in a blazing wave of garlic-scented heat.
The vampire never saw it coming. Its undeath was extinguished in a prolonged moment as its weakness to garlic, delivered via fart power, reduced the soulless husk to a pile of ashes, reeking of Kimberlyn’s flatulence. In short, it wasn’t the most dignified way to meet one’s maker.
Kimberlyn slumped to the ground, stewing in the residual aromas of last night’s Italian dish as she patted her overbearing belly on a job well done. Her work was far from over, however. More vampires roamed these lands, and she still had so much more garlic to spare.