A Theives Tale
by KaryVD

My name is Dark. Or at least that’s what I’ve been calling myself for the past few centuries having forgotten my real name a couple thousand years ago. Anyway, this is the story of how I met and was “coerced” into joining the elf Kary of house Van Dere (pronounced “Deer”) in her journey to conquer to known world. But I'll get to that later, first I’ll tell you how and why I’m immortal.

It was about four thousand years ago, back when I was just a regular non immortal human being. I think I was about 19 at the time. Anyway my story begins on a cold winter night. I was hungry, tired and desperate. I needed food and after wandering around the snow for what seemed like days I came across a temple bright and shining like a beacon of hope. If I had known what was going to happen once I walked into that place I would have turned around and taken my chances in the snow.

The front door to the temple was wide open and I could see light shining from within. I entered cautiously in case the occupants were the kind of folks that didn't take to kindly to strangers. To my surprise the temple was devoid of life and I was shocked to see a feast before me. Beans, eggs, cheese, the finest meats and vegetables, wine and ale, and pretty much anything else I could have ever desired. Not only that but the walls were lined with fabulous treasures, piles of gold, gems, and magical items.

I checked once more to make sure I was truly alone in this fabulous place and began helping my self to the food. I had a bit of everything and by then end of the night I had finished a good portion of the food. Then I began helping myself to the treasures figuring that these people were well off enough not notice a few trinkets missing. I was about to leave when the doors and windows slammed shut and I heard a voice behind me. 

I turned around and I saw a beautiful woman. Actually the word beautiful didn't do her any justice. Picture the most beautiful woman you can, perfect body, perfect face, perfect everything. Then take that image and toss it out the window because this woman transcended perfection. I knew then she was a goddess, not even the ageless elves could match her beauty. She held her arms out, beckoning me to come forward. I couldn’t resist, and I walked to her and she embraced me.

I thought I was in heaven. This goddess holding me, pressing me against her perfect body. And then I smelt it. The foulest smell I had ever experienced. I immediately tried to escape its awfulness but she refused to let me go. Instead she held me tighter and I heard her whisper into my ear “To steal from a goddess is an unforgivable sin”. I could feel her tense and I hear a small *prrrppppptt*. It was a fart, a small one that I could barely hear. But I could smell it, and it smelt like someone had thrown me into a pit filled with gassy skunk girls. It smelt like someone had opened a portal to the gas dimension and thrown me into it. It was horrible, no worse than horrible, I actually thought I was going to die from that little poot, and I thought I did because I passed out about 30 seconds later.

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When I woke up I actually did think I was in heaven. There were fluffy white clouds everywhere and everything seemed so serene and peaceful. It wasn't long before my heaven turned into hell. 

I heard laughter and the white fluffy clouds all around me turned green. My senses were once again attacked by awful farty smells to many to describe. I fell to my knees choking at the stink when I was once again approached by the goddess. “I am Onara! Goddess of Gas! And you” she said pointing at me “have committed a grave sin!” She pushed me onto my back and my arms and legs were pinned down by her magic. “You have stolen from me, and your punishment will be 500 years of servitude!” She sat her perfect ass onto my face. “We begin now!” And she farted, and farted, and farted, and farted for what seemed like years I was trapped under two globes of perfect ass meat assailed by the worst smells in the universe. For 50 years I remained trapped under her ass forced to smell everything she gave me until finally she rose.

“I grow tired of this human. I think today we shall try something different.” She snapped her fingers and I was shrunken down to about a foot. She grabbed me by the hair and began leading me towards a structure. The next thing I know I'm in some kind of arena surrounded by millions of angels. I looked at the goddess, fear in my eyes. “For the next 100 years you shall entertain me in this arena! You will fight in this arena for our amusement. Be assured human, you will not succeed in any of the challenges I have planned for you. Your pain is for our amusement.”

Then she disappeared and I was approached by an angel. “I'm your first challenge!” she yelled “To win, you have to keep me pinned down for at least 30 seconds!” and she smirked looking down at my shrunken form “I'm going to have a lot of fun with you.”

And she did. Being 1 foot tall doesn't give you many options for fighting back, plus my opponent was an angel, faster, stronger and gassier than any mortal. I had time to maybe blink before I was on the floor with another ass in my face. I could here the goddess speak “Excellent Emily! Now you have 1 hour to do as you wish before the next challenge!” I prepared my self for a gassing but it never came. Instead she remained on my face cutting off my air and after a few moments I was panicking. “She's going to kill me!” I thought “She's going to smother me to death with her ass!” And just as I was about to lose consciousness she lifted her self up and I gasped for air. I had time for maybe one breath before she sat on my open mouth. 

“I want you to eat my farts.” I could hear her say. She pinched my nose and said “I'll give you three chances to guess what I ate today, if you get it right I’ll get off you and you can proceed to the next challenge. If you get it wrong, than your going to be eating my farts for the next hour.” She held her stomach and prepared her first fart.

BRRRRRRRPPPPPPPPPPTTTTTTT!!!!! “Ahhhh! That felt good!” She lifted herself off my face. “Well? Can you figure out what I had?” 

I gagged, it tasted awful and I couldn’t for the life of me figure out how the hell I was to tell what she ate. “Beans?” I guessed.

She laughed “Wrong! Lets go again! I'm sure you'll get it on the second try!” She sat on my mouth again and said “Here let me give you a silent one! Maybe you'll get more flavor!” FSSSSSSSSSSSSSHSHSHSHSHSHSHSHSHSSSSSSSS!!!! 

It was awful, I could actually feel her fart in my mouth as if it was solid. And I was far to distracted to figure out what she was supposed to have eaten. “Eggs!” I yelled “Eggs! You had eggs right?”

She pondered my answer for a moment. “Hmmmm let me think. Did I have eggs today?” She sat back down on my mouth “Nope. No Eggs.” BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPTTTTTT!!!!!!!!
“Last chance! Cmon! I know you can do it!”

Again she lifted off me, awaiting my answer. I was out of options, each of her farts tasted different and in no way similar to any kind of food I had ever had before. Again I had to guess. “Cheese? Please oh god let it be cheese!”

She began cackling wildly. “Nope! Three strikes! That means your gonna be eating my farts for the next 50 minutes!” She sat back down releasing 5 large brassy farts, inflating my cheeks in the process. “You want to know what I ate to make my gas this bad?” She laughed “Nothing! Angels don't need to eat you dummy!” I didn't matter to me though, I was now trapped under this sadistic angel forced to eat her farts for the next hour.

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The challenges got worse as time went on. Sometimes I had to “fight” multiple angels at once. Other times they did some kind of roleplay forcing me to preform in plays where I was a villain punished by gas. Sometimes they would even change the arena so I'd be fighting in a desert or a forest or something like that. And for a 100 years I was stuck in this arena suffering almost constantly.

My next few hundred years of punishment are a blur to me. All I can remember are the constant horrid farts violating me at every moment until finally my 500 years were up.  I was escorted to the goddess's throne room by two angels and for the first time in 300 years I was standing in front of the goddess in a position where I wasn't being farted on.

“Well human. Your 500 years of punishment are up. I'm letting you go now. Unless you'd prefer to stay?” She patted her ass “I'm sure we would miss you here if you chose to leave.” I shook my head. I wanted to get the hell out this place. “How disappointing” she shrugged “Well if that’s what you want. But before you leave I want to give you a gift. Something to remember me by.” I braced myself for a fart. “Oh don't be silly, I wanted to do that you'd already be under me.” She pulled out a wand and pointed it at me. “I Onara! Goddess of Gas! Grant this mortal immortality! May he walk the world forever! Never to die! Never to age!” 

Immortality. At first I couldn’t believe it. My tormenter was granting me immortality. I should of known there was a catch. But at least she kept her word. She sent me back home 500 years after I had left. But my suffering didn't end. Onara managed to find a way to torment me even back on mortal soil. For 2600 years I was constantly harassed by her worshipers. I became some kind of holy person in their eyes, they got it in there heads that by capturing me and torturing me with farts that they would gain more favor with their goddess and I'm pretty sure she was in no hurry to correct them. Also the immortality she granted me sucked. Sure I was ageless and immortal but I could still feel pain. I could still “die” even if it was temporary.

Anyway, that’s the story of how I was cursed with immortality. Eventually I managed to avoid Onara's worshipers for a few generations that most of them assume I'm some kind of myth now. I suppose now I should tell the story of how I met the elf Kary Van Dere and the many “adventures” I had with her.

To be continued.......

I guess it's hard to change who you are. Once a thief, always a thief as they say. Anyway, this is the tale of how I stole from an elf called Kary Van Dere and how I came to regret this decision for a very, very long time.

…...

She came in just like any traveler visiting the town of Gnack Wood. Normally any visitors would have been automatically marked by one the thieves working under Dark, but some kid named Jakin got caught trying to mug some priestess of the fart goddess who then proceeded to topple my entire organization here one fart at a time.

Either way I figured it was time to pack up and move on. Well, that was the plan until I saw an elf walking into town. Elves were a rare sight, most of them having isolated themselves after the great war a few decades back so you can imagine my surprise at seeing one wander into town with a jingling coin purse. But her coin wasn't what I was interested in. I could tell she was a mage the moment I saw her, and I knew most mages, especially elven ones probably carried valuable and expensive artifacts with them. Oh how I wish I had never seen her that day.

I shadowed her for while. She seemed lost and confused trying to avoid most of the people in town. A hard thing to do when your an elf. She caught the eyes of every man and woman she passed and I could tell she didn't like it. At one point I realized she was walking in circles, easy to understand why if you've ever seen elven cities. Elven cities where perfectly crafted and symmetrical, clean and in tune with nature, most elves going through there daily routine never seeing another elf whereas Gnack Wood was a collection of shitty, dirty buildings all grouped up in a disorganized fashion filled with a large amount of smelly humans all ogling her.

That's when I stepped in. I made it seem like I wasn't paying attention and bumped into her, secretly cutting her coin purse. Dozens of sparkling gold and silver coins spilled out onto the muddy floor. I heard her cursing under her breath as she went down for her money.

“Here, let me help you.” I went down with her, helping her collect her coins “New in town?”

Kary nodded, and attempted to put her money back into her pouch only for it to spill back onto the ground. “Stupid, human made pouches...” she muttered under her breath.

“Looks, like your purse burst open.” I reached into my belt and pulled out another pouch. “Here, this is elven made” I could see she was confused “Oh. Here I’m giving it to you, I figure and elf like you can appreciate the craftsmanship.”

“Thanks.” Kary began placing her coin into her new purse. “Sorry, I haven't had very great experiences with humans recently.” Kary tucked her purse into her robes. “Say, where do you humans go to get food around here?” 

“Oh we've got something called an inn, you can rent rooms and get a nice hot meal to.” I pointed to a large run down inn. “The Inn of Plastered Wolf, rooms might be shit the foods decent, want me to show you?”

…........

We ended up sharing a meal together, she told me about the three bandits who had attacked her earlier (ommiting the part where she beat them with her farts) and I in turn made up a story about how I was a traveling merchant and how I to had come across bands of thieving scumbags during my travels as well. 

Eventually though she grew tired and I led her up to the room I had graciously rented out for her. She thanked me for my help and we shared a few drinks together (Well, she was the only one who was drinking, I was casually pouring mine into a potted plant) and eventually she thanked me for my help and passed out.

…...........

Kary woke up the next day with mild headache. She yawned, stretched and reached for her staff. Only her staff wasn't where she left it. Neither was her purse, spell book, maps and knife. “Oh...........that stinking human!” She reached for her pack as well finding it empty save a few extra robes.  

“Last time I trust a freaking human.” Kary slung her pack over her shoulder and stormed downstairs “Innkeep! Inkee-” She stopped, realizing the inn was empty. A quick search revealed that the whole building was abandoned. By now Kary was panicking, without her staff and spell book her magical capabilities would be severely reduced and weakened. Kary checked the sky, it was still early in the morning so the thief couldn’t have gotten to far. 

….......

Jakin was, to put it simply, a thief. He was a pickpocket, a scam artist, a burglar, and a smuggler. Pretty good for someone who was only 20. Last year he had ended up trying to rob the wrong person and ended up facing divine gassy justice from an Onora priestess. To make things worse she then proceeded to bring the same divine gassy justice to all of his friends as well. Most of the thieves that once occupied Gnack Wood were now long gone, Dark had said the town had nothing left taking anymore and Jakin agreed. 

That's when he spotted the elf. She was distracted, angry and Jakin thought she would be easy prey. Jakin waited until she was heading his way before casually bumping in to her. Surprisingly she had nothing on her, Jakin figured that Dark had probably already robbed her. Would explain why she looked so pissed off.

Then before Jakin could leave he felt someone grab him by the hair. He twisted around to see Kary glaring at him. “I know what you just tried to do!” She began dragging Jakin into a nearby alleyway, the same alleyway Jakin had encountered the priestess a year before.

Kary pinned Jakin against the wall with one arm and cupped her hand around her butt with the other. “Ok, I'm going to ask you questions, and I want you to give me answers or else.” Kary silently farted into her cupped hand then brought it up to Jakins nose.

“AAAGRH!” Jakin thrashed and squirmed as memories of that awful night flooded back to him. 

Kary removed her hand and threw Jakin into a corner. She backed up trapping Jakin between her ass and the wall. “Your a thief right?” BRPPPPPPT! PLOOOOOOOOT! BLAAAAAAPPP! 

Jakin choked on the rancid fumes “Yes! Yes! Oh gods yes! What do you want!” Jakin struggled to push Kary off him but the smell was making him weak.

Kary mashed her ass against Jakins nose and closed his mouth. “I'm looking for someone, I think his name was Mark or Bark or Dark. Something like that.” BRAAAAAPPPPT!!! “Well? Do you know him?”

“Yes! Yes! I do!” He squirmed trying his best to avoid the stink. “But I don't know where he is!”

“Wrong answer.” Kary grabbed Jakin and threw him onto his back and took a seat on his face. “I will let you breath if you tell me where he would have gone. He stole my magic staff, spell book and the rest of my stuff.” Kary let out a silent and hot fart onto Jakins face nearly burning his nostrils. “I want to know where he would have gone with my stuff.”

Kary waited until Jakin was about to pass out before she finally stood up. “He – ack – If it was magical he would have taken it to Briggs emporium out of town.” Jakin rolled over wheezing “I swear that's all I know!”

Kary rolled him back onto his back. “Not enough, where is this emporium?”  she asked releasing five more farts towards his face. 

“Just out of town – ack- just go north! Please! Mercy! Have mercy!” Jakin begged.

Kary leaned down until her face was right up against Jakins. “If you're lying to me, I'm going to come back and turn you into a pair of panties.” 

Jakins face went white and he broke into tears “No I swear! That's the truth! Please let me go!”

“Oh quit your crying” Kary grabbed Jakin and shoved him back into her ass to sound of muffled screaming. “Sorry kid, but I can't have you running of to go you're friend. Just go to sleep now, ok?”
Kary tensed her stomach, one more fart would be all she needed to knock him out for a few hours but she wanted it to be a big one. “Are you ready kid? I hope so cause it's gonna be big!”  Kary pushed and out came a large BRRRRRRRRRRRUUUUUUUUUMMMMMMMMMMMMMPPPPPPP!!!!!! 

Kary left the unconscious thief in the alley way and began heading north. She popped a few green eggs in her mouth and could feel her belly rumbling. “Watch out Dark, here I come.”

To be concluded in part 3......

"What do you mean you won't buy it?! This staff is hand made! By the elves! Do you know how much this is worth?"

Briggs eyed the staff cautiously, keeping his distance. "Yeah, it's priceless and that's exactly why I'm not even going to touch it." Briggs rubbed his forehead feeling another headache approaching. "Stuff like this never comes without strings attached Dark. I'm not interested in having some elven war party kicking down my doors and gutting me having it."

Dark sighed in frustration, he knew he needed to ditch the elves stuff as soon as possible. "Look Briggs, I'm not asking for a fortune here, i just need some money to make my way over to Red Creek." Dark pushed the staff towards Briggs "I swear, there are no strings here, no ones going to be here looking for this stuff. Honestly the elf i took it from is-" It was then Dark noticed how pale Briggs had gotten. "Briggs? Whats wro-"

Before Dark could finish his sentence Kary had grabbed him by the hair and slammed his head onto the counter breaking his nose. Kary clutched her bloated stomach and struggled to keep her gas in check. "Not now...." She looked up at Briggs who simply whimpered and pressed the staff into her hands. "Thank you." She quickly gathered the rest of her things layed out on the counter and then turned her attention onto Dark who was on the ground clutching his bleeding nose. 

"Ropes of Binding!" Karys staff glowed white as magical ropes materialized into existence and wrapped themselves around Dark, immobilizing him completely. She turned towards Brigg, still cowering behind the counter. "Thanks, here's a tip." BRAAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!

A foul storm of stink knocked Briggs to the ground and sent the items on his shelves flying. By the time Kary was finished Briggs Emporium looked like it had been hit by a hurricane. Kary admired her handiwork for a short moment before dragging Dark outside.

Kary propped Dark up on the side of a large tree. "Alright, by the time I'm done with you, you'll be tasting and smelling my gas for the rest of your li-" Kary stopped, a surprised look appearing on her face. "Your nose........."

Dark looked down in panic, his broken nose had already fully healed and the blood was slowly disappearing. He looked up at Kary "It's not what it lo- GARHHHGLE!" Dark struggled as Kary quickly stuffed a rag into his mouth. Kary leaned in close to Darks face and began sniffing.

"I can smell magic on you." Kary pulled out her knife. "Are you who i think you are?" Kary ran the knife across Darks cheek leaving a slight cut. Kary watched the wound seal up before her eyes. Kary looked at the knife in her hands, then back at Dark. "Well, if you are what i think you are then this won't do any permanent damage right?" Then she plunged the knife into Darks chest killing him.

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Dark drifted in the void. He was dead. Again. But not for long. 

Dark suddenly snapped back into reality as his body quickly healed the damage done by the knife. Dazed he looked up towards Kary.

Kary tucked the knife back into her robes. "You're the EverMan, aren't you?"

Dark nodded, seeing no point in hiding the truth.

A wicked grin appeared on Kary's face and she sat on Darks face. "Good." BRRRRRRRPPPT!! BRAAAAPPPT!! FRRRRRRRRRRT!! FFFFFSSSSSSSS!!! PRRRRRRRPPPPPPTTTT!!!! Kary laughed as she let loose an arsenal of loud brassy farts directly onto Darks face. "It means i don't have to hold back!"

Karys nose wrinkled as the eggy stink of her gas slowly reached her. "Hey!" Kary twirled around so that she was now facing Dark. "Here's how this is going to go. I'm going to fart and you're going to sniff it. If i smell even a small hint of gas I'll make this worse in ways you couldn't imagine!"

Dark struggled and tried to loosen his bonds in some way but found that he could barley move any part of his body.

PRRRRRRRPPPPPPPTPtPTPTTPTPTPPTPTTPPtPTPT!!! Dark was caught unprepared as a 10 second eggy fart sputtered out of Kary's ass. And unfortunately for him, he forgot he was supposed to sniff it all up.

Kary sniffed the air and noted the eggy stink. "Well, Dark. You screwed up." She pulled out her spell book and began flipping through the pages. "Ahh, this looks good." Kary pointed her staff at Darks head. "Enhanced Breathing! Bubble! Enhanced Smell! Greater Stamina!" 

A bubble appeared around Darks head and at the same time he noticed that he could now breath in twice as much air as he normally could. Then he noticed the smell of Kary's previous farts beginning to intensify to the point where even the ambient stink of Karys butt was nauseating.

"As you may have noticed, you now have an enhanced lung capacity along with an enhanced sense of smell." BRAAAAAPPPPPPPPTTTTTT!! Kary farted filling the bubble with an awful stink. "The bubble around you head is self explanatory, but the last spell I've casted on you will make it much harder to pass out."

Dark thrashed about weakly his senses being overwhelmed by the gas. He hoped to all the gods in the universe that would just pass out.

Kary continued farting into the bubble, filling it with her gas. Dark was assaulted by a myriad of sounds and smells unable to escape. "Mmmmmmm." Kary rubbed her belly releasing 4 more farts into the bubble. "If you can hear me Dark i don't think I'm running out of gas for a few more hours." 3 more farts trumpeted out and into the bubble. 

By now Dark was in tears, with so much gas trapped in the bubble there was no more room for oxygen. He could barley comprehend the situation he was in, all he knew was that it stank and that he was still somehow awake suffering through it all.

FRAAAAPPPTTPTPTPTPTTPTP!!! BRAAAAPPPPPPPPtTTTT! PPPPPRRRRUUUUUUPPPPMMMMTTTT! FRAAAAAPPPPPPPPPTTT! FSSHSSHSHHSHSHSHSHSSHSHSHSHS! PFFFF! BRRRppptTTT! PRRRIIIIIIPPPPPPTTTT! PRRRRRMMMPT!

A score of awful farts continued to flow into the bubble and Kary began grinding on Darks nose slowly growing aroused. Dark was mildly aware that Kary had begun grinding on him. Kary began to notice the lack of movement coming from Dark and slowly rose off him. "Hey! You still alive down there?" She began poking him with her staff. "Huh. Fart overdose. Never seen that happen before...."

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Dark woke up looking at the stars. He had some crazy nightmare where some elf had been torturing him with her awful farts. Then he noticed the ropes tying him down and a lingering stink of farts hanging in the air.

"Oh, you're awake." Kary walked over to Dark. Kary pulled the rags from Darks mouth and began removing the ropes from his body. "I want to ask you something." Kary kept Darks arms tied behind his back. "I don't know to much about the world, most my information seems to be centuries out of date so i need a guide." 

"You......you just tortured me and now you're asking me to help you?" Dark stumbled to his feet. "Screw you! I'm not doing shit for you!" 

Kary sweeped Dark off his feet with her staff and stepped on his chest. "You know, you don't really have a choice in the matter here." Kary slowly sat down on Darks lap. "I'm trying to be nice here! It's either you come with me willingly or i spend the next few days breaking you." Kary farted to prove her point. "So unless you want to spend the next few days or weeks breathing nothing but my farts, by all means go ahead! I'm an elf, we live for centuries so I've got plenty of time!"

"What's there from stopping me from just running the moment you cut my ropes?" Dark struggled trying to push Kary of his lap.

BRRAAAAAAAPPPPPPPTTTT!

"Well for one there's my gas." Kary wafted her latest blast up to Darks face. "And then there's my magic." Kary motioned to her staff "Did you know that there are spells to shrink you down to size of a toy? Or spells that can transform you into a piece of underwear?"

Dark shuddered at the thought.

"Also, there's this." Kary held up a small necklace. "I just spent the last few hours making it." She placed it around Darks neck, then placed a matching one around her own. "Now we're bonded. You won't be able to take that off and i will always know where you are."

Kary got off Dark and cut his last binds. "You also won't be able to harm me in any way while you've got that on." 

Dark tugged at the necklace unable to remove it. "What else? Does it make me follow your every bidding as well?" Dark grumbled.

"No, I've got this for that." BRRRRRUMMMMMMMMMPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!! Kary farted and Dark backed away trying to avoid the smell.

"So you understand everything?"

Dark stared at Kary for a moment trying to figure a way out of this situation. He came up blank.

"I........" Dark attempted to go for his knife, finding he was unable to do so. "I guess, i have no choice, right?"

Kary smiled. "That's right Dark. You're starting to get it now." She looked towards the sky. "Well i guess we should get going now. Take me to a city, someplace with a market or a bazaar, you people still have those right?"

Dark nodded, "Yeah there's a city a few miles ahead of here."

"Good, lets get going."

And with that, Kary now with her new companion in tow, continued her journey to conquer the world.