By: n0idedalex
The screen fades in to reveal Alexis is sitting in a fancy chair in what appears to be a home library. She’s wearing her signature red suit and reading from a book before looking up and putting it down.
Alexis: Hey everyone! It’s me, Alexis! You know, the girl in the pfp? Founder and CEO of Noid Entertainment? You know who I am.
Alexis: Anyway, Alex told me that his DeviantArt page recently hit 100 watchers! That’s awesome! Over 100 strangers from around the globe have come together over a common interest…
Alexis: Getting off to women farting.
Alexis: …
Alexis: Beautiful world we live in.
Alexis: Anyway, to celebrate such a momentous occasion, I wanted to do something special. But what? Well, the answer came to me pretty quickly…
Alexis: For each follower, I’d fart for 1 second. So… 100 seconds!
Alexis: Now I know that sounds like a lot (because it is), but even 100 seconds wouldn’t be my longest fart ever. In fact, it would only barely make my top five. But I still want to make this event extra special. So, I had an idea. This could be the longest fart I ever ripped…
Alexis leans towards the camera and a sinister smile creeps on her face.
Alexis: …in someone’s face.
Alexis stands up from her chair.
Alexis: For the uninformed, my previous record for Longest Fart Ripped in Someone’s Face was my 62 second fart in Minnie’s face a couple years ago. So, a 100 second fart will nearly double that record.
Alexis: But a question remains, who? Who shall be the lucky recipient of such a legendary anal expulsion? I asked Minnie if she wanted to be it, and her response was…
Alexis pulls out a small piece of paper from her pocket, unfolds it, and looks at it.
Alexis: “No.”
Alexis tosses the paper away.
Alexis: While disheartening, she did suggest the person that will be the recipient of today's biblical butt bomb. Bring ‘er in Kasey!
Kasey walks on-screen with a smirk on her face. She’s walking directly behind and holding the arms of the recipient of Alexis’s upcoming massive fart. Mariko. Notably wearing a pair of handcuffs behind her.
Mariko: I didn’t agree to this! I did not agree to this!
Alexis: She agreed to this, don’t mind her.
Mariko: No, I said I'd help out with this, you didn’t say it’d go in my face!
Alexis: Hey, you’re being reimbursed for this. Plus, this is probably non-canon anyway. Speaking of cannons, mine has been loaded for quite some time now. So… Kase?
Kasey gently pushes Mariko so she’s on her knees. She places her hands on Mariko’s shoulders so she can’t stand up.
Alexis: Thank you. Now ‘Riko, we talked about how much the audience loves to see you as a fart cushion, right? Well, we’re just giving them what they want! You don’t want to disappoint all of our new fans now, do you?
Mariko: Uh, n-n-no? B-but, is this really necessary?
Alexis: Yes.
Mariko: But, but-
Alexis: No more buts! Aside from mine, of course…
Alexis walks up to Mariko and turns around. Her butt is directly in front of Mariko’s face.
Alexis: Now, ripping a fart over a minute takes a lot of training and preparation, but the key is to push very softly so the gas comes out slowly. As a result, it won’t be very loud, but it will be very long, and veeeerrrrry stinky…
Alexis looks over her shoulder to look at Mariko one last time. Mariko’s face is almost completely red as her eyes are locked onto Alexis’s rear. Alexis looks at the camera again and spreads her legs a little bit.
Alexis: Ok, without any further ado, here’s to 100 watchers…
Alexis bends over slightly, places her hands on her thighs, takes in a very deep breath and…
PTBprprprprprprprprprprprpprprrrrrprppppppprpprprprprprprprtprptptprtprtprbprpbrprtpbrptbbprtpbrtbp…
…begins to fart in Mariko’s face. The first 10 seconds (yes, that was only 10 seconds) of Alexis’s fart are relatively quiet (save for the first fraction of a second at the start). It’s still far from silent. If she ripped it in an actual library or an airplane, people would instantly pinpoint it to her. But in comparison to her typical rip, it’s much quieter than usual. Sound-wise, it’s rather dry and in the mid-range frequencies, mostly from Alexis pushing less hard than usual. Mariko closes her eyes and keeps her mouth shut. Though, with no way to cover her nose, she’s still forced to smell the stench enveloping around her head.
...pbrtpbrtpbrtpbrtpbrtpbrtPBRTPBRTPBRTpbrtpbrtpbrtpPBRTPBRTpbrtpbrtpbrtPBRTpbrtpbrtpbrtpbrtpbrt…
Seconds 10 to 20 have a slightly more bubbly sound to them compared to the first 10 seconds. It is less consistent though in volume. There are a few moments where Alexis pushes slightly harder than intended, but quickly pulls back. Letting this much gas out this slowly takes a great amount of skill. Thankfully, Alexis is a trained professional. Mariko still has her eyes and mouth shut. Though, her mouth seems to be slowly turning into a frown.
...brtbrtbrtbrbblbtlbtbtplbtpltbptlbptlbtplbrplbrpltbprlbprltbrltlptlltplplplplplplplblblpblbplbplbplbprltprltbtlrlt…
Seconds 20 to 30 move from bubbly to slightly wet as Alexis continues farting. The volume is more consistent than the previous ten seconds. As a result, the sound of the fart is much deeper, more akin to the sound of a tractor tire deflating from about 30 feet away. Mariko still has her eyes and mouth shut. However, her cheeks are starting to puff out. It looks like she’s trying to hold her breath for the duration of Alexis’s fart. A bold strategy, let’s see how it plays out for her…
...tptpltptpltptptlptltpltpltpbplpbltplbpbBtpltpltpBBptltpltplBBBptltpltplptlptlptBBBBtpltpltPLTpltptlPTLPTL…
Seconds 30 to 40 are very similar to the 10 seconds before them. However, as the fart goes on, a few short “bursts” of loudness start to show up. Slowly but surely, they get longer and louder. Sounds like Alexis is starting to struggle with keeping this fart at a consistent volume. Even for a professional farter like Alexis, farting for this long uninterrupted is a massive feat and takes a lot of skill and focus. Holding your breath for that long is also a big ask, as Mariko seems to be finding out, judging by her face starting to turn red.
...PTLPTLPTLpltpltPTLPTLplbtLBPlBtpprrrrrrptptptptptptptptptpptptptptptptprtprtprptrptprtPRTPRTPRTPRT…
Seconds 40 to 50 have Alexis trying to get her fart back to being quiet again. After a couple more loudness “bursts” Alexis shifts her weight slightly so she’s leaning to the side a bit. This seems to press her butt cheeks closer together, thus letting out slightly less gas at a time. Doing this seems to also change the timbre of the fart, as it goes back to being dry and consistently quiet… for about five seconds, when it starts to increase in loudness again. Mariko-
Mariko: AH-Hack! Haugh!
Mariko can't hold her breath in anymore. She lets out a loud but short cough before breathing in deeply with her mouth. Unintentionally sucking in Alexis’s fart as well.
Mariko: Oh my god! How are you still farting?! I can’t even- Hrk! Fuck!
Mariko finally breathes in Alexis’s fart with her nose. Alexis’s signature brand of stink wasn’t any different than it normally was. However, due to the sheer length of the fart so far, enough gas had accumulated around Mariko’s head to make it feel overwhelming.
...PRTPRTPRTPRPTprtprptRTPRTPPRRptflpFLPFLFPLfpbflPBFLPBFttfplbBPLFPtlbplpbPFLptlBlpblbTPLF…
Seconds 50 to 60 are extremely inconsistent. Alexis’s fart keeps going back and forth between loud and bubbly and soft and dry. It’s clear that Alexis is having difficulty keeping this fart under control. Judging by her facial expression, she seems to be focusing all of her energy on getting her fart quiet again. She’s pressing her lips together and one of her eyes is starting to twitch. Mariko is instinctively trying to free herself from Kasey’s grasp to get away from the fart.
Mariko: Jesus Christ, how are you still going? I can’t take this anymore! Let me go! Let me- mmf?!
Mariko is cut off by Kasey placing one of her hands onto Mariko’s mouth.
Kasey: Hey, the fans want to hear the gas, not something crass. Remember?
Mariko: Mmm mm mf mm!
…BBPBPLTPfrtBBPBPLTfrtplbprlLBPBLPLRPTLtbPBRPLTLTPBL-PT-PT-PT-PT-PT-PT-brrbrbrbrbrrbrbrrrrrbrrrr…
Seconds 60 to 70 continues Alexis’s feeble attempts at keeping the fart under a certain volume. The ratio of dry to wet sounds has completely flipped from what it was from seconds 30 to 40. Alexis faintly mumbles “Fuck.” under her breath as she realizes she might run out of gas soon. With this in mind, she pulls a desperation move. She suddenly stands up straight and presses her legs together. Doing so causes her fart to suddenly sputter for a couple seconds. It’s the closest the fart gets to stopping before hitting the 100 second mark. Thankfully, the fart resumes as normal with a more subdued bassy sound.
Mariko: Fmmm mm! M mmm’m mmmm mm! Mmm mm mf mm Mmfmm!
...bbbbrbrrbrbrbrbbrbrptbrrbptrblbprblprlbrplbpbrlrpBRBRBBBBRBRRBLPRBRPRLBRPLBBRTPLRTLBPR…
Seconds 70 to 80 makes Alexis’s maneuver look like a success… for the first five seconds. At the 75 second mark, the fart suddenly jumps in volume. Alexis’s eyes widen and she sucks in some air through her teeth. She’s definitely lost control of her own gas by now, which is exceptionally rare for her. Mariko’s and Kasey’s eyes widen as well.
Mariko: Mm mm Mmm! Mmmmm mmm mmmmfm fmmm fmmmmmm fmmmmmm!
...BPRLTBPRLTBRPLBTRPLTBPRTBPBPTPBTPRPTPTPTPTLRPLPLPLLBRRBRTBLRPTBLRPLTPTPTPTTPT…
Seconds 80 to 90 are consistent alright. Consistently loud and bubbly. Alexis has completely given up trying to keep the fart under a certain volume. The strain of doing so for over a minute has exhausted her, and now she’s letting nature take its course. She’s digging her nails into her pants and occasionally sucking in more air through her teeth. Tears are starting to form in Mariko’s eyes and even Kasey is starting to turn her head a bit.
Mariko: Mmm-m-m-m-mmfm… Mmmmfm fm-m-mm…
…BPLBPLBPLBBLPLBPLBPBLPLBPLBLplbplbplbplbbpl--bplbplblpb--prtprtprt---prtprt---prt---pt---pt---pt… Prpt!
Seconds 90 to 100 are worrisome. After a few more seconds of loud bubbliness, Alexis’s fart starts to finally quiet down and taper out, with several seconds left to go before the 100 second mark. Alexis’s face scrunches up again as she grabs whatever strength she has left in her body to push out the remaining fart. As it winds down, the fart comes out in shorter and shorter bursts. Near the end, the fart is barely puttering out like an old tractor engine slowly shutting off. Right at the very end, with about a second left, the fart stops for a tense half-second. Thankfully, Alexis manages to push out one last quick poot right as the 100 second mark is reached.
Alexis: Augh! F-Fuck! I, ugh…
Alexis stumbles forward and grabs on to the chair she was sitting on earlier for balance. She pants heavily for several seconds before slowly standing up straight and turning to face the camera while still holding onto the chair.
Alexis: And that… is officially… the longest fart I’ve ever ripped in someone's face… Fuck me, I gotta sit down…
Alexis sits back down in the chair and continues to breathe heavily. Kasey finally lets go of Mariko, who immediately collapses onto the floor. Alexis notices immediately and sits up a little.
Alexis: You good, ‘Riko?
Mariko: cough cough. I live… I think… The things I do for this company…
Alexis: Good. Thanks again for being today’s cushion.
Alexis looks back at the camera.
Alexis: And thank all of you for watching! We really appreciate it here down at Noid Entertainment. We’re happy you enjoy the content we make, and we hope you enjoy the content we make in the future. So once again, thank you all for 100 watchers!
Minnie: 115.
Alexis: Huh?
Minnie walks onscreen while looking at our phone.
Minnie: Yeah, the DeviantArt page is at 115 watchers now. So, I guess you were supposed to fart for 115 seconds instead…
Alexis: …
Minnie: …
Alexis: …
Alexis: …No.
The video ends abruptly.